Oregon 'standoff' roundup: The dumbest revolutionaries on the planet?
Some afternoon updates on the armed far-right jackasses who have valiantly taken control of a Oregon wildlife refuge Because Reasons.
For those who haven't heard the news, Ammon Bundy (son of deadbeat rancher Cliven Bundy, the Fox News-promoted lunatic who orchestrated an armed standoff against federal Bureau of Land Management employees with the help of many of America's most well-armed archconservative chuckleheads) and perhaps a dozen-ish fellow militia-minded cranks have "taken over" the administrative buildings at the Burns, Oregon Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, and have vowed to start murdering people if law enforcement officers attempt to dislodge them. They claim they are doing this in response to two ranchers being sentenced to prison after being convicted of arson, but also want the federal government to close down the wildlife refuge and, of course, whatever other federal lands the group demands they relinquish. Why did they choose the wildlife refuge? Because it was nearby and unoccupied when they were looking for something to take over—these are not masters of planning we're dealing with. How long do they plan on staying? They say "years", although the withering mockery the group is receiving on Twitter already seems to be taking a toll.
Is it very, very hard for the rest of us to take America's Dumbest Militia Group seriously? Yes. Yes it is. But we shall muddle through.
- The White House has declined to weigh in on the sit-in (it's not really a "standoff", regardless of what the headlines say, because nobody is "standing off" against them—law enforcement is leaving them to their own devices for the time being), calling it "a local law enforcement matter".
- Nonetheless, schools in nearby Burns, Oregon are closed for the week due to the threat of violence.
- The group posted a video asking like-minded patriots to come join them "armed or unarmed" in order to "prevent any bloodshed". They also claim they are going to use the refuge as a base of operations to return public lands to private citizens. Somehow. In theory.
- The two ranchers convicted of the original arson have turned themselves in and will begin serving their five year sentence, as they previously said they would.
- Unlike the original Bundy Ranch standoff, conservative politicians are being quick to distance themselves from the armed group, with even Rand Paul and Ted Cruz calling on them to stand down. This is possibly because of lessons learned after supposed patriot Cliven Bundy started lecturing America on live television about the blacks, and possibly because the group who has taken over the wildlife refuge is so nuts that even their fellow militia members have been wary of backing them up.
- The Harney County Sheriff (in the Bundy version of the militia movement, county sheriffs are the ultimate legal authorities and can and should overrule federal edicts at will) kindly requests the group of yokels get the hell out of his county.
- I mentioned that we are trying very hard to take these people seriously, because they are unhinged lunatics threatening to shoot any federal agents who come to dislodge them. But they are not making it easy for us.
"The Black Lives Matter movement, they can go and protest, close freeways down and all that stuff, and they don't get any backlash, not on the level that we're getting," said the man, who identified himself as "Fluffy Unicorn."
Fluffy Unicorn, who calls himself a "bodyguard" for the group, sounds like he's resentful of all the free tear gas and National Guard troops that peaceful black protesters can garner. By all means, law enforcement, feel free to spread the love.
That's all for now. Tune in tomorrow when we'll see if Captain Dumbass and his fellow would-be revolutionaries have murdered anyone yet.
Feds Set To Cut Off “Militia’s” Public Power, Public Roads, And Public Phone Line
By
Posted on January 5, 2016
Federal authorities are finally making their move against the heavily armed “militia” that has taken over the Malheur Wildlife Refuge in Burns, Oregon. Wary of provoking a deadly shootout with the anti-government extremists, the feds are taking the appropriate and logical step to freeze them out, cutting off power, telephone lines, and road access to the militia redoubt.
An official in Washington remarked that “It’s in the middle of nowhere. And it’s flat-ass cold up there. After they shut off the power, they’ll kill the phone service. Then, they’ll block all the roads so that all those guys have a long, lonely winter to think about what they’ve done.” Temperatures are expected to plummet to 18 degrees Farenheit, with snowstorms expected over the next few days.
While the rebels have declared that they are prepared to stay there for the “long haul,” the Guardian was “shown a food storage room that did not look like it could sustain a dozen men for more than a few weeks.” A social media call by the militiamen for supporters around the country to “send snacks” would also indicate that they are not prepared for a long siege. Ironically, those snacks would have to be sent by the mail, which the federal government also controls.
It is unsurprisingly clear that these heavily armed fools with a very questionable understanding of what the Constitution actually says have not fully thought this out. Without more supplies or heat it is likely that they won’t last long. The local community has turned against them; the rancher who they came to defend has fully renounced them and have turned himself in to law enforcement.
Their “cause” makes no sense; they are clearly provoking a standoff just for the sake of it. We commend the federal government for finding an ingenious solution that will not give these zealots what they want – at the most, a soapbox for their idiotic attempts to resist federal authority, and at worst a martyr’s death.
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