Random thoughts as we age

Random  thoughts as we age:    
  
 The  biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll  remember it."
 
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in  the dryer for ten minutes and come  out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
 
Last year I joined a  support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
  
I don't  trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
 
I don't need  anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off!
 
Old age  is coming at a really bad time!
 
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure  what I'll do that second week.
 
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ........ but it can  muffle the sound!
 
Why do I have to press one for English when  you're just gonna transfer me to someone I  can't understand anyway?
 
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out  loud?
 
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and  remembering what I came in there for.